[SFX] Sirens blaring, a building shaking. Three pairs of hurried footsteps as Max, Jen, and Aiden run away from the wreckage.
MAX: Don’t shake her so much!
AIDEN: Oh, I’m sorry, I was too busy running from the path of certain death and rescuing this teenager to think deeply about the discomfort she might be feeling while I’m saving her life!
MAX: We do not have time for the pointed sass, Aiden.
AIDEN: Happy to run if you guys want to tell me where we’re running to. Am I supposed to just cave man carry this teenage girl through the city in broad daylight?
MAX: What do I look like? The direction police?
MAX: I… I honestly don’t know.
JEN: You tried, sweetie.
AIDEN: Guys, I swear to god.
[SFX]: Sirens increase, getting closer.
JEN: Okay, we’ve got company. Let’s move.
AIDEN: Don’t do that thing where you make my idea your idea. I hate it when you do that.
JEN: I don’t do a thing!
AIDEN: Hey, no, stop that!
JEN: Not cool, Max! Get out of our heads.
MAX: How many times do I have to tell you guys, I’m not in your heads, it’s way weirder than that.
AIDEN: And that’s, you know, that’s more unsettling when you put it that way.
JEN: Aiden, cool it. Max, don’t use powers against teammates, you know that. Both of you, let’s go.
JEN: My place. No one will ask any questions.
[SFX]: Elevator dings as floors are passed.
AIDEN: He really just… let us walk past with an unconscious teenager.
JEN: He’s been our doorman long enough not to ask questions. Sometimes, I was the unconscious teenager.
JEN: Are kids saying sick again?
MAX: It’s retro.
AIDEN: Do you think I could get a dictionary or something? Maybe a pocket google translate?
[SFX]: Elevator doors ding open.
[SFX]: Footsteps as they enter an apartment.
MAX: Holy crap! Your elevator opens right into the apartment? I’ve only seen places like this on TV! Who designed this place? It looks like a freaking spaceship.
AIDEN: Is that a good thing?
MAX: I’m obsessed with it, Aiden.
AIDEN: Well, obsess over finding a comfortable spot for our unconscious ward here, okay?
JEN: You can put her in the spare room.
[SFX]: Footsteps as Justin enters.
JUSTIN: Who can take my room?
JEN: Oh, fuck.
AIDEN: Morning Show Guy? What are you doing here?
JUSTIN: What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Jen, you’re hours late. And, my God, you look like you went through a tornado on your way here. Did you go through a tornado? That’s almost half an acceptable answer as to why I’ve had to entertain myself on our – hang on.
JEN: Don’t – Once you see it, you’ve seen it, And —
JUSTIN: Is that a teenager?
JEN: I said don’t look!
JUSTIN: Is that an unconscious teenager?!
JEN: CONE OF SILENCE!
JUSTIN: You know that’s not cool. Cone of Silence was for when we were, like, twelve, Jen. It does not apply when your gruff, whiskey smelling boyfriend –
AIDEN: There are so many things to take offense to there, but somehow, the most offensive is the implication that I would ever date this woman.
JUSTIN: But the unconscious teenager in your arms is fine? See, this right here is why you guys are a mess as a team. Priorities.
MAX: I do not mean to interrupt, but do you think you guys could maybe cool down, just a little bit? You’re all over the place And I am starting to get… itchy.
JEN: Max, ew.
MAX: Hey, you guys don’t have to deal with it. Just because your powers are selfish doesn’t mean mine stop being… whatever, all about everyone else.
AIDEN: Oh, right, I forgot that you’re the only one out here for the greater good.
JUSTIN: I am loving the weird trio spat here, but I really think we should deal with the unconscious teenager who is… quite possibly bleeding from her ears.
[SFX]: A shift as Bailey’s body is shifted between Aiden and Justin’s grip.
JEN: Come on, let’s get her to the guest room.
[SFX]: Footsteps, a door opens into the guest bedroom.
JUSTIN: She… really does not look good, guys.
AIDEN: Glad to know that all it takes to be on TV is a pretty face And an affinity for the obvious.
JUSTIN: You think my face is pretty?
MAX: I think she’s okay. Mostly.
JEN: Let’s give her some space.
[SFX]: Footsteps, a door closing behind them. They walk until they reach the kitchen.
[SFX]: Barstools pulled from under the counter. The team settles in.
JEN: Max? You seem…
JEN: Really calm, actually.
AIDEN: Yeah, honestly, it’s a little spooky.
MAX: I don’t know. This place is nice, is all. Clean. And… really quiet.
JUSTIN: I would love to pretend I know what any of you are talking about, but what I’m really hearing is, “Justin, please make us a round of mimosas.”
MAX: I’m seventeen.
JUSTIN: Is that supposed to mean something to me?
[SFX]: Glasses moving, refrigerator opening, champagne taken out. Bottle of champagne pops.
JUSTIN: Babe? Where’s the juicer?
JEN: Cabinet next to the sink.
[SFX]: Glasses moving in a cabinet.
AIDEN: Are you guys serious? We have a teenager who might be dying in the guest bedroom, and you’re making fresh juice for mimosas?
JEN: Should you really be talking about someone’s alcohol intake? How did that intern put it?
AIDEN: “Pot, meet kettle.”
JEN: That’s it!
AIDEN: Look, your plan of busting in all buck-wild And taking them by surprise –
JEN: It’s called an ambush –
AIDEN: Went to shit, And now not only is that girl out there, she’s angry. And, you know, rightfully so, because we sort of kidnapped her best friend.
MAX: Not sort of. I mean, we definitely kidnapped her.
AIDEN: See, no gray area about it. We have kidnapped a psycho villain’s only reason to live, And there is no way in hell she isn’t out there coming for us. So, if you don’t mind –
[SFX]: Champagne guzzled.
AIDEN: I’m going to stay prepared.
JUSTIN: First of all, if you ever chug a bottle of Dom again, I am going to skin you alive.
JEN: Second of all, seriously, how dare you?
AIDEN: This isn’t a game, guys! We are in some hot fucking water here. We’re not just messing around anymore, helping old ladies across streets and cats out of trees.
MAX: When have we ever done any of that?
AIDEN: My point is that this isn’t low stakes anymore, okay? It’s not a fun after school activity, or a way for you to blow off steam when the heiress thing isn’t doing it for you. We’re in real danger here and we need a plan.
JEN: Fine! You want to shout about how my plan sucked, you come up with one.
AIDEN: We need to go on the defensive. Ditch this kid, hope she finds her and leaves us alone, and we stay cooped up somewhere, out of sight out of mind. We get out of the city-
MAX: Whoa, and tell my parents what? I’m going to camp?
AIDEN: Fine, then I’m getting out, and you guys can stay here and get ripped to spreads by a super villain if you want.
JEN: Cute, very team leader of you.
AIDEN: I don’t want to be a team leader! Especially not of team death wish, okay?
MAX: Hashtag Team Death Wish.
AIDEN: Jesus, ow. Some of us can’t do high frequencies, dude.
JUSTIN: Look, I’m going to put it out there: you guys are a train wreck. A beautiful, model worthy train wreck. Like, train wreck, but make it fashion.
MAX: Is there a point here?
JUSTIN: The point is, you guys have all the building blocks of a team that can help make this world safe. You can actually do some cool stuff. But you lack… direction.
JEN: Is there a point here, babe? We’re not loving where this episode of hot or not is going.
JUSTIN: The point is, you guys need someone to help you keep your shit together. Someone dashing, and charming, and who already knows your secret. I’m talking about me.
AIDEN: No way in hell.
MAX: What do you know about running a team of superheroes?
AIDEN: Yeah, you got a resume? Lot of experience in running for your life?
JEN: Guys! Look. Clearly we can’t get through fifteen minutes without being at each other’s throats. We put on a good show at Justin’s show, but we’re a mess in action.
MAX: We’re doing our best.
JEN: We are! But maybe we just, you know, need another set of eyes on the prize?
MAX: I don’t mean to be offensive, but I really don’t think adding a third big personality is the answer to peace and harmony among us.
AIDEN: Third? There’s four of us.
MAX: Yeah. I would put myself solidly in the “small enough to disappear” category.
MAX: It’s not self-deprecating, okay, it’s true. I haven’t been home in two days, and look. No texts, no calls. Poof.
MAX: It’s fine. My point is, I don’t think we need anyone else to manage.
JUSTIN: Manage, that’s it! I’ll be your guys’ manager. A full image rebrand, a plan of attack, meeting times. It’s like I’m Charlie, and you’re my twisted, messy little angels.
AIDEN: Okay, no. Not enough champagne in the world.
JEN: Justin, babe, can you give us a minute?
JUSTIN: For you? All the minutes in the world.
[SFX]: Footsteps as Justin leaves the room.
JEN: Look, I know Justin can be a lot.
AIDEN: Understatement of the century.
MAX: I mean, a lot, in a cool way.
JEN: But that’s all image, okay? He’s really smart. He has a degree from Harvard, And… And he was the first one to find out I had powers. He’s literally the only thing that kept me alive And, you know, visible to the known universe. He might get on your nerves, or make a big show out of things, but he knows… he knows how to keep me – us, probably, grounded.
AIDEN: I don’t need someone to protect me.
MAX: Yeah? Well, maybe I do. You’re the one who knocked that kid out, Aiden. If you ditch us to deal with the consequences…
JEN: Max, it’s fine. We can figure it out, okay?
AIDEN: You guys really can’t.
JEN: Okay, excuse me –
AIDEN: You guys have caught on to the fact that you both just have defensive powers, right? I’m the only weapon here.
MAX: The best offense is a strong defense.
AIDEN: Regardless of whatever inspirational sports movie you took that quote from, you’ve still gotta be able to score.
JEN: So? Does that mean you’re in?
AIDEN: For Max. Just till we’re sure we’re all safe again. Then I’m moving somewhere I can drink on a beach in peace.
JEN: Justin! You can come back!
[SFX]: Justin walks back in.
JEN: Pop another bottle of Dom, because our day-drinking super dude is in.
AIDEN: Okay, never say that again.
MAX: So, you’re the man with a plan. What do we do next?
JUSTIN: First things first — that kid you brought back with you needs serious medical attention. We need to get her to a doctor. But someone we can trust with the whole, you know… super circumstances.
AIDEN: Yeah, I got this one, too.
END OF EPISODE.